Dear Andrea,

Thanks for writing in. 🙂 I made a coaching video for you below, but the first thing I want to say is that you don’t have to “cope” with a best friend who’s constantly putting you down. You can choose to walk away from the friendship, and walking away doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you someone who’s invested in your own mental and emotional wellbeing and in your own like and love for yourself. And it makes you someone who’s no longer willing to accept poor treatment from someone else. 

Now, just like I say in the video, you’re going to want to do some investigating on your end before you blow up the friendship because sometimes we perceive slights where there aren’t any. And sometimes we perceive someone is putting us down when perhaps it’s just our pain and how we have learned to process feedback or criticism — in other words, sometimes they’re just hitting a trigger or a place where we’re wounded or tender. So before you blow up the friendship, investigate yourself so that you can get clear on if it’s truly your BFFs behavior or if you’re simply getting triggered and being invited to heal and grow. (I explain this more in the video.) 

In the video, I also make the suggestion of writing out what you’re looking for in a BFF and what qualities you’d want your bestie to have, including how you want to feel in your bestie’s presence. Until you get clear on this aspect, you may never find the BFF you’re looking for (or maybe you already have, and you just don’t know it yet). This step also takes us out of the pattern of unconsciously choosing our friends (and mates!) and puts us into the pattern of logically and consciously deciding who we let in to our inner circle, our inner heart space. 

I have high standards for who I let into my inner orbit and who I call a friend. In fact, my standards are so high that I can count my friends on one hand. You’ll want to figure out what place in your orbit this person belongs — closer to your heart, or a little further out in the orbit (or removed from your orbit entirely).

One last thing: the way you framed your submission makes it sound like you are a victim to your bestie’s poor treatment of you. And I just want to remind you that you can choose your friends and you are in full control of who allow into your life and who you let stay. If you are an adult, and someone is treating you poorly, it’s because you are letting them. I know that may sound harsh, but it’s true. You have the power to remove them from your life — it may hurt, it may be hard, it may be tricky, it may bring up all kinds of other feelings/pain/experiences — ones you likely don’t want to deal with, but the truth remains … it’s still your choice. In other words, you are not a helpless victim here — it’s possible that you have simply been programmed to believe that this person (or people) can treat you poorly and that you’ll stay. 

Many years ago, I realized that one of my unconscious patterns was to roll out a red carpet for poor treatment; I unconsciously attracted people who treated me poorly and then invited them to stay. When I realized this pattern existed in my life – AND I WAS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT, I decided to go on a long journey of self-discovery to determine what wounds within me caused that pattern to be created and what wounds allowed it to thrive in my experiences of life. It was a long, hard journey, but the temporary discomfort of sourcing my wounds (and feeling them) paled in comparison to the 40 years I’d spent and the decades I would have continued to spend having the same painful experiences with different people over and over again. I’m so grateful I grew to realize that the painful pattern was of my own doing and that I also had the power to undo it.

You have that power, too.

And there are no wrong choices. Just choices that have different outcomes and leave us feeling different ways. 

I always say that every moment in life is either reflecting to us how much we’ve grown or how much room we still have to grow. And every moment that feels hard is simply a moment where we’re being invited to become stronger in some capacity, and to heal and grow more. We can thank the people who do things that make us feel pain or discomfort because they are bringing us the gift of showing us our own wounds, so that we can heal them. And that is a blessing and a gift of epic proportions indeed. 

In other words, this is a moment for you to grow, my love. Go inward and figure out why this experience is happening in your life; I can promise you that it’s to help you, not hurt you. 🙂 If you need help figuring out exactly how it’s helping you, write back in with more details and I’ll help you find your opportunity.

For what it’s worth, with the journey of self-discovery comes personal growth and with personal growth comes freedom – freedom from the pain and the experiences that keep us stuck in misery and suffering. It’s a really lucky place to be. 🙂

May we all use our power to create the life and relationships we want, rather than using our power to continue having experiences and relationships we don’t want.

I believe in your power and in you.

Here’s your coaching video: