Hello, my love,

Let me first say that it’s okay to have social anxiety and to not want to have conversations with random people or go to crowded places. It’s totally okay for you to be that way. Give yourself permission to be okay just as you are — regardless of whether other people think it’s okay or not. 

Sometimes other people think they know what’s best for us, or they project what’s best for them onto us as though it should be okay with us as well, and/or they shame and judge us for being the way we are. You don’t need to take that on, or take any of that bait. Let them think what they want to think, and do whatever feels good, and honoring to you. You owe that to yourself.

Now, here’s where it matters: If you want to change. If you want to be able to engage in conversations with random people. If you want to be able to go to crowded settings and feel safe, secure, happy, and at peace. If YOU want to experience a change, then and only then are you required to do something to CAUSE it.

For me, the first step with my social anxiety was allowing myself to have it and embracing the part of myself that was more comfortable in my hotel room rather than at the cocktail hour at the conference, more comfortable at a table by myself than at a table full of strangers, more comfortable watching the party on TV then being at it, more comfortable on my couch eating dinner than at a crowded restaurant in Beverly Hills, more comfortable dropping my son off at the soccer end-of-season team party than being there and talking with all the other parents, etc. You get the drift. Haha. I had to stop listening to what others thought I should be okay with, and the shaming that goes along with it, and instead begin listening to what I was okay with and be okay with it. Period. End of story.

In other words, I had to learn how to separate other people’s thoughts about me from my own thoughts about myself. I also had to trust in my knowing, a knowing that has been proven to me over and over and over again, that when it was time for me to change, time for me to be more social, I’d know and opportunities would present themselves and when they did, they’d feel good and they’d feel right and I’d feel prepared (even if I was still a little scared).

As I talk about in your coaching video, the important work for you to do, if you want to have a different experience, is to figure out why you don’t want to talk to random folks or be in crowded settings. For me, it was because I preferred to be invisible — people hurt me constantly, and I had not yet learned how to be emotionally safe around people and not hurt. I’d not yet learned how to turn my pain into my superpower and how to protect myself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. So I kept my distance. It was safer for me that way. I also felt too much when I was around other people and in crowded spaces. I felt too much of their thoughts, their pain, their energy and I didn’t know yet how to have healthy boundaries around my energy … how to be in the same room as others and not feel their struggles, their insecurities, their dreams, the lies they didn’t even know they were telling… their pain as though it was my own. I had to learn all these things before I could safely go out into public spaces and engage other people otherwise, I would have been crushed beneath the intensity (like I’d been so many times in the past when I forced myself into those situations out of shame!).

It wasn’t until I learned all the tools, and learned to love and trust myself, that I was able to be around people. But, even now, I give myself permission to drop my son off rather than mingle, or stay in my hotel room rather than do happy hour. Cause I really do like being alone sometimes. Always have. 🙂

So, if you want to experience a change, then you have the responsibility to yourself to do the work to understand the reasons you fear or avoid conversations with random people and crowded places. You can start with becoming an observer of yourself, almost like you’re watching yourself from outside yourself. Imagine yourself sitting at a table with random people. What feelings come up? What are your thoughts? Are you worried about what they’re thinking about you? Observe yourself. Observe the feelings you get in your body. Don’t judge what you find. Just be a curious observer of yourself. Imagine yourself at a crowded event. What are you thinking? What are you afraid of? What are the thoughts that prevent you from being present and having fun? This is a good place to start.

Another tool that used to help me and still does in different circumstances is to ask myself: “If I do [blank], what’s the worst thing that can happen?” Then I write down the worst thing that can happen. Then I ask myself, “If this worst thing happens, can I handle it?” If the answer is no, I don’t do said thing. If the answer is yes, I go for it – even if I’m a little scared or nervous. This is a strategy and a tool you can use to help your brain get over the hump of fearing change.

Once you can begin to identify your whys, you can write back in (or join one of my small coaching groups) and share them with me and I can give you the tools to begin thinking about the specific situations differently. It’s a progress, but it can be an empowering and fun process. We make the process hard and painful when we judge ourselves, shame ourselves, and blame ourselves for not being different. There’s no need to do that.

Surrender to where you are and how you are. Know that it’s purposeful and meant to be exactly as it is. And if you want to change it, then start taking a curious peek at yourself to see what comes up when you put yourself in those situations. Slowly but surely, as you begin to learn yourself and learn how to comfort and soothe the inner child within you that’s terrified and having a tantrum (as evidenced by the irrational anxiety and fear), you’ll be able to start having the experiences that you want and feel content and happy about having them.

Trust me on this. My anxiety (about everything) used to be debilitating and now I just don’t have anxiety any more. When a thought or experience comes up that produces some fear, I know how to say hello to it, honor it, determine if it’s rational or irrational, current/grounded or old/from the past, and I know how to comfort and soothe myself through it. You can get to the same place as well. With all my heart, I know you can. 

Ok, my love, here’s your free coaching video: