Dear Christina,
Why do people hurt me so much?
-Kelsea
Dear Kelsea,
Thank you for writing in and thank you for asking such a beautiful and vulnerable question. I have learned through my own quest to not be so wounded by other people and things that most often the depths of the hurt I feel in any given moment, is usually a direct sign of the depths of my emotional wounds that are showing up in the present moment and are ready to be healed.
In our society, we are taught to blame the people who are doing things we find hurtful. We are taught to make them the reason we feel hurt — to project our pain onto them and try to make them responsible for it. But, truthfully, Kelsea, that pattern, that program will only keep you stuck — needing everyone else to change so that you don’t feel so much pain. And so I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to give you the same old, worn-out advice — advice that will keep you locked up in the prison of needing others to change so that you can have a changed experience.
In this coaching response, I’ll reframe the pain for you a bit and give you some of my Consciously Overcoming™ mindset strategies that I created when I was trying to heal all the places in me that were easily wounded by everyone and everything. Now, this isn’t to say that people don’t do hurtful things (they do! hurt people, hurt people), but how you feel about what they do, and how what they do affects you, is based on your story, your perspective, your programming, and your pain. You can learn to observe your own pain and not react based on it. You can learn to observe other people’s pain and not feel hurt or wounded by it. In fact, you can learn to feel compassion for the people who are in so much pain, they unconsciously want to make you feel it too (because they feel temporary relief when they release some of the pain by throwing it at/to you – blaming you). But if you do the personal work to heal and grow, one day the hurt won’t hurt as much anymore; one day the hurt will heal you. I can promise you this.
So the short answer is this: People do things that hurt you because you have a wound within you that gets triggered when someone says/does a certain thing.
The good news is that if you are feeling the wound, it simply means that you are also ready to heal the wound. I call this Purposeful Pain; it’s life-changing, freeing, and critical to understand if what you want is to be happy and to not be so wounded by pain.
Once you heal the wound, you will no longer feel hurt by the same action again; you may remember the hurt (our minds don’t forget), but you won’t feel it as wounding in your heart/body/soul — the energy of wound — the charge, won’t be there anymore.
Now, there are likely to be other actions that people will do that hurt, but if you do the work and allow yourself to feel the pain each time (and source the wound as I’ll teach you how to do in this free coaching response), you will heal yourself from feeling hurt all the time by the actions of others. As you heal yourself, you will also grow personally and as you grow, you will gain the clarity and conviction required to either reset the dynamics with people or experiences that create suffering for you or remove the people/patterns/experiences entirely from your life. If you do the inner work, I promise, you will realize how unbelievably powerful you are to create a consistently, predictably happy life for yourself.
Now, before you can successfully source the wounds, you’re going to need to shift your mindset about this topic. Based on how you asked, why do people hurt me so much?, it sounds like you are stuck in a bit of a fixed mindset and feeling like people are doing things to you. Whenever we get into this type of mindset, we lose our ability to be in our power with our life and we feel like helpless victims. We also blame others for our pain and/or our unhappiness, which leaves us feeling even more helpless and even more in need of others changing so that we can feel better/happier/more loved/more worthy/less afraid/less lonely/less ugly, etc. When we’re in that headspace, we can’t even see a way out of it without the other person/situation changing. I don’t want that for you. I want you to be in your full power so that you can heal the places where you feel hurt — so that you can live a blissful, happy life – no matter who’s around you, or who’s trying to stop you.
The reality is that nothing happens to us, everything happens for us.
So, I’d like you to shift your thoughts and your mindset out of the pattern that something is happening to you and into the pattern that the only reason you are feeling pain is because there’s a place within you that’s ready to heal. And the only way we humans know we’re wounded is if we feel pain — so someone is bringing you the gift of seeing where that place is within you; they are bringing you the gift of pain. So that you can heal it.
I know that may sound weird, but it’s true. You can read more about it in this article on Purposeful Pain.
To shift your mindset, you simply need to think and believe differently. So instead of saying “gosh, everyone is always hurting me,” say “Wow, I’m so grateful that I’m being given so many opportunities to find my wounds and heal them because I certainly don’t want to spend the rest of my life hurting so much. I will learn what I need to learn, see what I need to see, and I will heal everywhere I’m ready to heal. I’ve got this. I am the captain of my ship.” This shift in your thoughts will allow you to step into a more powerful place and from that more powerful place, you will be able to more clearly see your opportunities to heal.
When I’m going through a growth spurt — a healing period — one of my Consciously Overcoming™ beliefs and mindset strategies that always helps me is this deep, deep knowing that even when I’m brought to my knees in pain/fear, or curled up in the fetal position bawling my eyes out, overcome with deep feels… it is not a reminder of how much I hurt or how much I have lost or how much I fear, but rather it is a reminder of how much I am healing, how much I am growing, and how much more room I have to rise. And I like to heal, grow, and rise. 🙂 If it feels good for you to adopt that mindset, it will change everything.
Watch the video below for more information on turning our pain into a superpower and how powerful (and purposeful) our pain is.
After you’ve begun to shift your mindset and realize how powerful your pain is, the next tool I’d recommend is a five-step sequence I take myself through (and teach to my clients). This five-part sequence helps to find the source of our wounds and to learn how to comfort and soothe ourselves through them so that we no longer need all the tools we’ve used in the past that have kept us stuck, like our addictions, escapes, blame-game strategies, self-hate, etc.
Now, if the pain that you are feeling is too much and/or you simply need one-to-one support, please seek the help of a licensed mental health specialist, and/or call 988 for immediate support.
Exercise to Learn How to Find/Heal Our Wounds
- Write a letter/email/text — THAT YOU’LL NEVER SEND — to the person you feel is doing something hurtful. In fact, do this every time you’re triggered by anyone or anything. In the letter/email/text, write out all the feelings you are feeling and all the emotions that are coming up. Be as honest as you can be, trusting that as soon as you’re done with this exercise, you will rip the paper to shreds and flush it down the toilet (or burn it, safely!). Don’t judge yourself for what comes out of you and don’t stuff something back down because you’re afraid or ashamed such thoughts/feelings could exist in you (they’re in there; get them out!). BUT — Do not ever send this kind of letter/email/text to another person. It’s not really intended for their consumption. Your pain is your own, and it’s based on what your life has taught you. It’s not about them. Other people are usually not the source of our pain, but they sure as hell might remind us of it. The purpose of writing the letter is to find the source of your pain and your wounds that are ready to be healed by you. Oftentimes what you’ll find is old pain and programming that’s stored in your subconscious, waiting to be revealed and healed. You want to find this stuff, you really do — as it’s also the information and programming that creates all the pain, misery, hardship, and suffering in your life. You want to find it and clear it so that you can be free from the prison it keeps you in. Be curious when you’re writing the letter/email/text; be curious and excited to find the pain, the information — the intelligence — that’s been buried deep within you, creating misery and wreaking havoc in your life, and that you’re ready to be free from. And remember, don’t send the letter/email/text. If you’re struggling with not telling the other person all the ways you think they’re responsible for your pain, watch this video on what I call the Power of the Pause.
- Find every place in the letter/email/text where you are trying to blame the other person for your feelings, and find the places where you see repeating themes in your life (e.g. always feeling like you don’t matter; are overlooked; feel like you’re made to feel ugly or unworthy, unappreciated, etc.). Determine if your feelings are rational or irrational. Watch this video to help make this determination. If the feelings are irrational, meaning they are grounded in some past hurt, then use the Inner Child technique below to help you to feel and heal the old wound. If the feelings that come up are rational, then you’ll need to find the words to express yourself to yourself (and/or to the other person) and/or protect your tenderness from this person/situation. You can and should still use the Inner Child technique to help comfort and soothe yourself through the hurt feelings. And you can write to me if you’re confused on whether your hurt is rational or irrational and/or if you need help learning how to use your words to express yourself / protect your tenderness (which is an inside job).
- Think back to your childhood and see if you ever felt the same way growing up. Make note of it as it will be helpful when you do the Inner Child tool.
- Hold yourself as the grownup you are now and comfort the place within you that’s still wounded from those earlier memories and experiences. Use the video below titled How to Nurture Yourself. It gives instructions on how to comfort ourselves in a really effective and nurturing way.
- Forgive the other person (hurt people, hurt people), forgive yourself for not yet knowing the tools to better protect yourself, and show love to yourself (the technique in the Nurturing Yourself video below will teach you this).
Lastly, I also wanted to give a special little call out, in case some of the hurt you’re referencing, Kelsea, is coming from your intimate relationships:
Once you’ve done the work and you’re able to see your pain as your own, you can say something to your partner about what you’re feeling, provided you own 100% of what’s coming up for you. In practice, this looks something like this: “Hey babe, I just want to tell you that I’m feeling a little triggered by what you said/did the other night, and I’m feeling like I want to run [or fight, or whatever your programmed defense strategy is]. It’s something in me that is feeling really frightened/hurt right now and I’m not exactly sure why yet, but I don’t think my response is very rational right now, and I’m not sure there’s really anything you did wrong. I just want you to know that I’m working through it, and I love you even if I’m struggling to show it, or not as emotionally open or available to you right now. All my defenses are up and I’m doing the work to figure out why. Just wanted to share in case you pick up on some distance from me; I don’t want my distance to trigger you unconsciously.” And then your partner, if they’re in an emotionally healthy space, could reply with something like, “Thank you for sharing, babe. I know what it feels like to be triggered and afraid. I love you too – so much. And I’ll always be here for you. Whatever you need… a hug, to talk, to be held, space, I’ve got you. No matter what. I’m not leaving you. You’re safe to go through what you’re going through. Let me know what you find out as you do the work.” You see, when two people can share what’s coming up for them, without throwing the pain at the other person (blaming them), there’s room for true intimacy to be created, and the pain can actually be used to strengthen the bond they have, not break it. Everyone knows what it’s like to feel afraid and in pain and 99.9% of the time all we need is to be safe and feel safe to feel it, and to know that by feeling it, we will not be shamed, judged, damned, blamed, lose love, and left alone/abandoned. This is why doing the self-work is so important — without it, our pain creates divides within us and around us where there could be intimacy, vulnerability, security, and love. When we throw our pain at others by blaming them, it triggers their defenses. Then their defenses trigger ours, and we get stuck in a vicious cycle. Instead, when we share what’s coming up for us, with the intention to heal/grow personally, owning 100% of our pain as our own, we have the chance of building bridges with our partner, and creating more intimacy as well as creating stronger, deeper, unbreakable bonds — provided both parties want a healthy, loving, supportive relationship with one another, and are capable of showing up for it.
I hope this free coaching response is helpful to you. I know what it’s like to feel hurt all the time. As I mentioned, I, too, used to be very easily wounded by the thoughts, feelings, actions, and opinions of others. And, by the grace of hard work, God, and personal growth, I’ve learned the tools and strategies required to no longer feel so miserable and so stuck. Some of these tools and strategies are the ones I’ve shared with you in this free coaching response. I know you have the power to learn all this as well, if it feels good to you. I believe in you. And I believe in a miraculous and joyous life for you.
If you’d like to share a specific situation that’s making you feel hurt and get free coaching on that, please do so here and I can be more specific in my response as well.
With love, gratitude, grit, and grace,
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