Why Do People Hurt Me So Much?

Dear Christina,

Why do people hurt me so much?

-Kelsea

Dear Kelsea,

Thank you for writing in and thank you for asking such a beautiful and vulnerable question. The short answer is this: People do things that hurt you because you have a wound within you that gets triggered when someone says/does a certain thing. The good news is that if you are feeling the wound, it simply means that you are also ready to heal the wound. And once you heal the wound, you will no longer feel hurt by the same action again. There are likely to be other actions that people will do that hurt, but if you do the work and allow yourself to feel the pain each time (and source the wound as I’ll teach you how to do in this free coaching response), you will heal yourself from feeling hurt all the time.

Now, before you can successfully source the wounds, I’d recommend you shift your mindset about this topic. Based on how you asked, why do people hurt me so much?, it sounds like you are stuck in a bit of a fixed mindset and feeling like people are doing things to you. Whenever we get into this type of mindset, we lose our ability to be in our power with our life and we feel like helpless victims. When we’re in that headspace, we can’t even see a way out of it without the other person/situation changing. I don’t want that for you. I want you to be in your full power so that you can heal the places where you feel hurt — so that you can live a blissful, happy life.

The reality is that nothing happens to us, everything happens for us.

So, I’d like you to shift your thoughts and your mindset out of the pattern that something is happening to you and into the pattern that the only reason you are feeling pain is because there’s a place within you that’s ready to heal. And the only way we humans know we’re wounded is if we feel pain — so someone is bringing you the gift of seeing where that place is within you; they are bringing you the gift of pain. So that you can heal it.

I know that may sound weird, but it’s true. You can read more about it in this article on Purposeful Pain.

To shift your mindset, you simply need to think and believe differently. So instead of saying “gosh, everyone is always hurting me” say “gosh, I’m so grateful that I’m being given so many opportunities to heal because I certainly don’t want to spend the rest of my life hurting so much. I will learn what I need to learn and I will heal myself completely.” This shift in your thoughts will allow you to step into a more powerful place and from that more powerful place, you will be able to more clearly see your opportunities to heal.

Watch the video below for more information on turning our pain into a superpower and how powerful (and purposeful) our pain is.

After you’ve begun to shift your mindset and realize how powerful your pain is, the next tool I’d recommend is a five-step sequence I take myself through (and teach to my clients). This five-part sequence helps to find the source of our wounds and to learn how to comfort and soothe ourselves through them so that we no longer need all the tools we’ve used in the past that have kept us stuck, like our addictions, escapes, blame strategies, self-hate, etc.

Now, if the pain that you are feeling is too much and/or you simply need one-to-one support, please seek the help of a licensed mental health specialist, and/or call 988 for immediate support.

Exercise to Learn How to Find/Heal Our Wounds

1. Write a letter — THAT YOU’LL NEVER SEND — to the person you feel is doing something hurtful. In the letter, write out all the feelings you are feeling and all the emotions that are coming up. Be as honest as you can be, trusting that as soon as you’re done with this exercise, you will rip the paper to shreds. Do not ever send this kind of letter to another person. It’s not really intended for their consumption. Your pain is your own, and it’s based on what your life has taught you. It’s not about them. The purpose of writing the letter is to find the source of your pain and your wounds that are ready to be healed by you.
2. Find every place in the letter where you are trying to blame the other person for your feelings, and find the places where you see repeating themes in your life (e.g. always feeling like you don’t matter; are overlooked; feel like you’re made to feel ugly or unworthy, unappreciated, etc.). Determine if your feelings are rational or irrational. Watch this video to help make this determination. If the feelings are irrational, meaning they are grounded in some past hurt, then use the Inner Child technique below to help you to feel and heal the old wound. If the feelings that come up are rational, then you’ll need to find the words to express yourself to yourself (and/or to the other person) and/or protect your tenderness from this person/situation. You can and should still use the Inner Child technique to help comfort and soothe yourself through the hurt feelings. And you can write to me if you’re confused on whether your hurt is rational or irrational and/or if you need help learning how to use your words to express yourself / protect your tenderness (which is an inside job).
3. Think back to your childhood and see if you ever felt the same way growing up. Make note of it as it will be helpful when you do the Inner Child tool.
4. Hold yourself as the grownup you are now and comfort the place within you that’s still wounded from those earlier memories and experiences. Use the video below titled How to Nurture Yourself. It gives instructions on how to comfort ourselves in a really effective and nurturing way.
5. Forgive the other person (hurt people hurt people), forgive yourself for not yet knowing the tools to better protect yourself, and show love to yourself (the technique in the Nurturing Yourself video below will teach you this).

I hope this coaching response is helpful to you. I know what it’s like to feel hurt all the time. I, too, used to be very easily wounded by the thoughts, feeling, actions, and opinions of others. And, by the grace of hard work, God, and personal growth, I’ve learned the tools and strategies required to no longer feel so miserable and so stuck. Some of these tools and strategies are the ones I’ve shared with you in this post. I know you have the power to learn all this as well. I believe in you. And I believe in a miraculous and joyous life for you.

If you’d like to share a specific situation that’s making you feel hurt and get free coaching on that, please do so here and I can be more specific in my response as well.

With love, gratitude, grit, and grace,