Dear Christina,
Thank you for the last video you made about my mom. After listening to it I realized that I still have some resentment towards her and my family for their lack of belief in me and for misjudging me and making me feel like I had to always show up in a certain way to get their love and attention. I find it hard for me to forgive them. I still feel the pain inside my body when I look back at it.
In the video you also said that because I am unable to let go and forgive that it will be hard for me to manifest something I do want. Can you talk more about this?
Also even today I was in a Zoom webinar; it was about negotiating. I tried to picture myself negotiating a real estate deal and all types of emotion came up. I felt scared, discouraged, like can I really do this task?!
–Aaron
Dear Aaron,
Thank you for writing back in to me. I greatly appreciate your ability to share so authentically and so vulnerably. I know it may not be easy, but neither is living with the pain you feel. I suspect living with the pain is harder than writing in to receive some guidance, but I could be wrong. 😉
What you shared in this submission is so powerful — not only for you but for everyone who may read this and also feel resentment toward their families for what they perceive as a lack of belief in them and/or toward their parents for withholding their love and attention if you weren’t the person they wanted/needed you to be.
I, personally, have a long and sorted history with this very pain point and by the grace of God and hard work, I was able to fully heal all the pain that I felt inside as a result of how my life has unfolded thus far.
I also love how articulate you are in saying that you can still feel the pain in your body when you look back. Feeling the pain in our bodies is such a powerful way of knowing that a pain from the past is showing up in the present moment. Most people resent and/or fear the pain, and/or they try to escape it with alcohol, drugs, smoking, overeating, bad relationships, sex, watching too much TV, working too much, etc. And as a result, they never really heal it; they never really heal the wound of the past that is showing up in the present moment. And they don’t see the pain as the gift that it is; for it is an opportunity to heal once and for all, forevermore. You can read more on what I call “purposeful pain” here.
Another thing people do to avoid or escape the pain is they blame it on the person they feel is responsible for the pain. If [blank] hadn’t done [blank] then I wouldn’t be feeling so [blank]. Unfortunately, blaming our pain on someone else keeps us just as stuck as escaping it with an addiction. Blame and our addictions are what a clinical person would call a “coping mechanism”. They’re basically our learned subconscious way of saying, “I am not able to feel this pain and be safe right now, so I am going to avoid it or escape it.” It’s how most people have learned to cope with the pain they feel inside, as most people were never taught healthy and safe ways to comfort, soothe, and nurture themselves; most people don’t have the tools. Most people were also not taught about the power in our pain and how we can use it to help us heal — so that we never have to feel the pain again, and we no longer have to keep having different experiences that leave us feeling the same way.
Before I began my journey of healing, I used to escape my pain and blame it away on others as well; constantly giving away my power to heal myself. For me, I used alcohol, cigarettes, TV, blame, and dysfunctional relationships as my coping mechanisms. And then one day, I learned how powerful my pain was and how it worked like a magnet leading me to the places within me that were ready to heal. And once I learned this, I began healing all the places within me that were still wounded, and thus preventing me from living my best life, doing what I love doing, and living the life I desire to live. To heal them, I began by learning how to safely feel them.
I talk more about how I learned my pain was purposeful here, in case you want to learn more about that topic. I also talk about a strategy I taught myself to help me comfort and soothe myself when I am afraid or feeling pain. For me, it was a safe way to begin feeling my pain and a safe way to begin developing a trusting relationship with myself so that I no longer needed my addictions and to escape my pain.
Side note: For what it’s worth, I was a closet drinker for 20 years and I’m now almost five years without drinking and I smoked in secret for 26 years (since I was 11 years old!) and it’s now been almost seven years since I last took a drag. And I don’t miss or crave either addiction. I don’t need them anymore. People can drink or smoke around me and I’m not the least bit tempted to join them. All of my old addictions feel toxic to me now, like I’d literally be ingesting poison and consciously killing myself in the present moment. I talk more about the process I took myself through in healing my addiction to alcohol in this post, in case it’s of interest to you.
Back to you: By your realizing your pain and how it shows up in your body, you will now have the chance to release the pain and heal it — rather than continuing to relive it for the rest of your life, in perpetuity. This is such a blessing to you and for you. I know on the surface, feeling pain may not seem like a blessing but I truly believe that it is because the pain is sometimes the only indicator that we have of an emotional wound that’s wreaking havoc in our lives and causing all of our misery. I, for one, would rather feel the pain and be able to source the wound and heal it rather than spend the entirety of my life feeling the same pain over and over and over again through different people and different experiences that all leave me feeling the same crappy way (don’t forget there’s also all the compounded pain and misery that’s created in our lives because of our addictions, our escapes, and never doing the things we want to do, feeling the feelings we want to feel, or having the kinds of relationships and experiences we want to have).
After we learn how to feel the pain, and not escape it, the question becomes wtf does one do with it so that they can heal it?! In the video I created for you, I talk more about this. I also talk about a new, more empowering way to look at the whole reason for your pain to begin with.
Now, when you talk in your submission about all the emotions that came up when you were thinking about negotiating a real estate deal — fear, discouragement, doubt — these are all indicators of the emotional wounds (aka pain) you still carry on the inside from your past; they are wounds that are showing up in your present moment and making you feel you’re not worthy of your dreams coming true. Chances are good you feel these same emotions every time you’re trying to step out of your comfort zone in pursuit of your dreams or what feels good to you.
These emotions are just old, outdated programming. Meaning it’s how you’ve programmed yourself (or how others have programmed you) to respond to new opportunities, unpredictability, and change. Sometimes I like to call these programs “control programs” or “stop emotions” because they are there to try to keep you from moving forward — sometimes before you’ve healed the places within you that are ready to heal. Most people step right over their fears, “push through them”, or escape them without healing them. This is fine, but it doesn’t mean that fear goes away, it just shows up somewhere else in your life or at some other point in time. Guaranteed. Truth is, emotions are just energies, and energies like fear and doubt tend to cancel out the manifestations of your dreams (or the joy you feel living your dreams) and they can stop you in your tracks. Sometimes they are purposeful in your life, and sometimes they no longer are.
If you truly want to get into real estate and start closing deals, these “stop emotions” you are feeling are not to be ignored, nor are they to be escaped. They are to be investigated and felt. Because it is only through the understanding of them and the feeling of them that you are able to clear them. In the video, I take you through an incredibly powerful process of understanding and forgiveness to assist you with your healing.
I hope the information is helpful to you. I know I covered a lot in this post and in the video, so if you need more help, please leave a comment below or reach back out. I think the video will be really profound for you and I suspect it will help you understand, heal and clear SO much. At least I hope so. 🙂
Should you have any more questions on this topic or any other topics, please write in again. I love to hear from you and I love to help — so bring it on. 🙂
I hope this coaching response finds you well.
With love, gratitude, grit, and grace,
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