I keep sabotaging my health…overeating and drinking the last four years after not drinking for 20 years. Please help.
Thank you for writing in. In your submission, you didn’t include information about what might be going on in your life that’s causing you to change your patterns and begin sabotaging your health, so I am limited in the direct/specific feedback or tools I can give you. That said, I did record you a coaching video and in the video I talk about ways our addictions act in our lives, and about the process I took myself through when I was healing myself from my addiction to alcohol and developing new patterns in my life related to my health — mental, emotional, spiritual, physical — and taking better care of myself.
I can also tell you that often our additions and escapes are there to help us numb out the pain we are feeling inside. Pain can show up as fear, shame, resentment, betrayal, anger, hatred, loss, subconscious negative beliefs, and so many other things. I’ve learned that sometimes our addictions and escapes also show up to keep us from moving forward on certain projects, or making decisions that scare us.
I know for me, there’s been a few times over the past five years as an entrepreneur when eating processed sugar has tried to become an addiction in my life — and it was always at the times when I was getting ready to launch something big and I was deathly afraid of doing it. Eating sugar kept me feeling bad about myself, which kept me from being able to do inspiring work and feeling inspired while doing it. Eating sugar keeps me stuck. And each time I see the pattern attempting to create itself in my life, I squash it (usually with a 40-day or 90-day, no sugar commitment). But the key is that I can see the new pattern beginning before it takes hold and I correct it by allowing myself to feel the fear that’s coming up. And I allow myself to take my foot off the gas and not move forward on my projects until I feel safe again, emotionally ready, self-understood, self-soothed, self-nurtured, self-heard, self-loved. In this new process, I am directing my subconscious mind in a different way than I did most of my life. Most of my life I unconsciously directed my subconscious mind to create escapes for me since I didn’t know how to feel what I was feeling, I didn’t know any other healthy ways, and I didn’t have a healthy model to show me what emotionally healthy responses looked like. Now, I take back my power from that old programming and consciously create new patterns for my subconscious and my brain to get accustomed to; patterns that include communicating with myself, listening to myself, loving myself, finding my pain, uncovering my fears, and feeling whatever I need to feel.
If you follow me, it probably won’t surprise you to know that I have a unique point of view on addictions and escapes that I gained from analyzing my experience with several of my past addictions and healing myself from them naturally, holistically, peacefully, and from the inside-out. So I’ll share some of what I came to learn about my own addictions in the hope this helps you too.
Please note, though, if your alcohol use is dangerous for you or others, please seek immediate medical support in your local area. I am writing this post from the standpoint of usage or addictions that are not life threatening. If your usage is life threatening, please seek immediate medical care.
I believe that our addictions and our escapes are purposeful until we learn the tools necessary to survive without them. What I mean by this is that for me, and most of the people I know who have addictions, my addictions served a purpose: they kept me “safe” until I was able to move safely though the world and process my emotions in ways that were healthy and nurturing. For most of my life, until my healing journey began at age 33, my life was more than I could bear emotionally. My pain was too great for me to hold. I was not able to be safe or feel safe being me. Everything about life was more than I could bear. I didn’t know any healthy ways to feel my pain. I didn’t know any healthy tools to help me release my pain. I didn’t know how to have healthy boundaries around myself, my energy, and other people’s pain. So I was literally unable to cope, unable to survive without the aid of my addictions and my escapes. I know, without a doubt, they kept me “safe”. They kept me alive.
Now, I am absolutely NOT advocating for us to use addictions and escapes as coping mechanisms. Nor am I suggesting that addictions and escapes are healthy. I am, however, suggesting they are sometimes necessary, if one doesn’t have the mindset, and the healthy tools and strategies required to safely feel their pain, reframe their pain, transform their pain, release their pain, heal their emotional wounds, and be forever free from the pain and the patterns the pain forced them to create.
Truly, if it wasn’t for my life as the living proof, I’d think this was such BS. But, it’s not. I have completely healed myself from all my addictions, naturally, holistically, and peacefully, and from the inside-out by simply learning the tools and strategies that I teach in my work, and will continue sharing on this site, with as many people as I can reach.
In case you’re wondering how serious my addictions might have been, let me lay them out for you briefly. I adopted my first addiction at the age of 5 when I started chasing love. By 11 years old, I was smoking cigarettes and continued to smoke for 26 years. By 14 years old, I was a hard core, full-fledge crystal meth amphetamine addict (I almost died from my addiction) and continued that addiction for three years. At 18 years old, I turned to alcohol and had a 20-year alcohol addiction. Around 18 or 19 years old, I also started an addiction to TV that had me numbing out 4-6 hours every weeknight and non-stop on the weekends (I rarely left my house; I had TV, smokes, and alcohol!).
Tami, I don’t know how old you are, nor do I know what you’re going through that has you escaping into a pattern of overeating and drinking but I can tell you this: what creates the majority of the misery in our lives is not the pain nor the emotional wound itself, it’s all the defenses we create around the pain/wounds; the way we harm ourselves, sabotage our health, treat ourselves poorly with self-shame and self-hate, and accept poor treatment from others because we feel so poorly about ourselves. That’s what creates the misery. And we create these defenses simply because we don’t know how to be gentle with ourselves, process what we are feeling, know that what we’re feeling is okay, and know that what we are feeling is not coming up to keep us stuck or even to hurt us, it’s coming up to help us heal so that we can move forward peacefully in joy and love. Here’s a post that might help explain this a little more. Here’s another one. And another one. 🙂
So if there is something hard going on in your life, give yourself permission to feel it without needing to change it. Notice above, when I mentioned that eating processed sugar is the old way, I unconsciously programmed my subconscious mind to stop me from working on my projects — to create an escape. Once I learned this was a program, a program I created, I recognized this was also a program I could change. Now I see the desire to overeat sugary things as an indicator that something is going on in my life, or in my inner world of emotions that needs my attention, my support, and my tender, loving self-care. I also recognize it as an indicator that I’m not ready to move forward. I’m not whole enough, or not healed/healthy enough, in this particular space. I’m not emotionally ready for what’s coming. Whatever it is. I take my desire to escape as an indicator that there’s some healing work that I am ready to receive or ready to complete. So rather than push forward on some self-imposed, man-made timeline and then dive into an addiction or create a new one to cope, I commit to a period where I won’t eat sugar so that I can allow myself to feel my pain and heal. It’s important to reiterate that during this time, I do not move my project forward. I let my human and my emotional health catch up. In other words, I listen to my inner child, who’s afraid — and I am kind to myself. Gracious with myself. I have mercy on myself. No self-shaming. No self-judging. No self-condemnation. My subconscious was only doing what it was told to do. I was afraid, sending out fear-based thoughts — S.O.S. is what it heard — so it was sending me in an escape, a parachute, to help to prevent me from self-combusting and moving forward before I was emotionally ready, and emotionally safe. What a blessing and gift it is once we realize the signals, understand the messaging, and learn that we have the power to direct the outcome.
Our power comes from recognizing these messages and no longer living life unconsciously. What made my process of healing my addictions so successful was the amount of grace I allowed myself and my ability to bring my pain and fears into my conscious mind — no longer needing them to hide. No longer needing to stuff them down and pretend they doesn’t exist. In the video I recorded for you below, I explain the process I took myself through in more detail. The thing I find most unbelievable is often all the pain or fear needs to release is to be acknowledged, heard, seen — and then released through self-talk, a good cry, or another form of healthy expression.
Sometimes it makes me sad to think of how much extra pain we create in our lives with our defenses, dysfunctional patterns, dysfunctional relationships, addictions and escapes — trying to “protect” these wounds — rather than just cry them out, or express them in healthy ways, and let them release instantly. I know that I, personally, have had to forgive myself a lot for all the things I didn’t know and all the ways I harmed myself because of my lack of knowledge. But, like I always say, once we know more, we can do more and we can then pay it forward, which is what the mission of Personal Growth for All™ is all about for me.
So Tami, this post was way longer than I thought I’d write and I hope it’s helpful to you.
I have no doubt that if you’re writing in to me, you’re looking for an end to the cycles of self-sabotage that keep you stuck. The beauty is that the answer is likely hidden within your pain and all it takes is for you to feel your pain and build a new pattern around allowing yourself to do so. To build a new pattern, you must be willing and ready to stop the existing one. Perhaps consider going 30 days without drinking and build in some of the positive things I did when I began my journey of letting go of alcohol and the role in played in my life. Maybe try doing the same thing with eating unhealthy foods. Then, begin to bring your feelings into your conscious mind by considering what you’re thinking and feeling right before you desire a drink or to overeat. Consider how your day went down. Consider if you felt joy or pain on this day. I used to need a drink when I felt too much joy, just as readily as I needed one when I felt too much pain (this actually surprised me!). Joy was not a comfortable vibration for me to feel because it made me feel just as off-balance and frightened as pain. So check in with yourself and/or get some local help should you need one-on-one support in working through the pain. When I was first starting to bring my drinking into my conscious mind (and not just drinking on auto-pilot), I would force myself to meditate for 10 minutes whenever I wanted a drink and if I still wanted a drink after I meditated, I’d have one. Interestingly, though, 90% of the time I didn’t want one after. I had given myself the grace to be with myself, to comfort and soothe myself and to feel whatever I needed to feel, and that was enough; I no longer needed to escape.
I hope the video I recorded for you and this post is helpful to you. I send you strength, faith, and courage as you build new patterns and programs in your life. Check out a lot of the posts on this website as I think so many of them will be helpful to you as you navigate this process of taking back your power to live your life as you want to live it, rather than as you are currently programmed to live it. You can change your programming and when you do, you’ll change your life. And it all starts with self-understanding, self-compassion and self-grace; healing our old, worn-out patterns; creating new healthy patterns; and allowing ourselves to feel our pain.
With love, gratitude, grit, and grace,
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or a crisis, please reach out immediately to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. These services are free and confidential.
UNEDITED VIDEO TRANSCRIPT
Hey there, it’s Christina with Personal Growth for All™. Okay, so doing another coaching video and right now I have one from someone who is calling herself Tami, who wrote in and here’s what she wrote in about his she says, I keep sabotaging my health over eating, drinking, drinking the last four years, four years after not drinking for 20 years. Please help me. Okay. So, so first Tami, I want to say that one, I love that you recognize that the overeating and the over drinking, if you will, or drinking is sabotaging your health, right. And I love that you are able to own that and accept responsibility for that, because a lot of people are in a place where they’re not able to yet. And so that’s like a huge part of the battle. I’m not gonna say it’s more than half the battle, but it is a huge part of the battle. So here’s the thing about overeating and over drinking. Let me say a different way. Here’s the thing about self sabotaging patterns and habits, because it doesn’t matter what they are to be honest. If whatever it is that we’re doing, we’re doing to avoid feeling something else, doing something else experiencing more joy, having the life we desire to have avoiding intimacy with ourselves or with someone else like, if our pattern is such that when we do whatever it is that we do, it creates a feeling in us that doesn’t feel good, then it is a self sabotaging pattern. Or if when we do it, it creates a pattern that maybe feels good temporarily. But it is keeping us from doing what it is that we really want to do or having the kind of life we really want to have or the kind of relationship with ourselves or others that we really want to have than it is obviously something that is a self sabotaging pattern. And so like the obvious thing would be to tell you like, why are you having this self sabotaging pattern like that would be the obvious thing to ask you. And chances are good, you could probably easily identify it. The question I do have, though, is oftentimes under underneath a self sabotaging pattern or like underneath our addictions, and our escapes is another way to say that is pain, right? So it’s a fear of blank and blank and blank. And so I suspect with you, that whatever it is that you are avoiding doing by drinking and overeating, because drinking or drinking anything at all, by the way, doesn’t matter whether you’re over drinking have a problem with alcohol or not drinking in general lowers our vibration, to a to a lower level. So if whatever it is that you’re here to do in life, or whatever the thing is that you’re trying to accomplish, because I suspect you’re you’re trying to accomplish something, right, whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish is probably not a vibrational match to where you are when you’re drinking and in a self sabotaging pattern or like overeating, right? And because what happens is like when we drink and again, it doesn’t matter whether you’re an over drinker and alcoholic can have a drink here or there and you’re good do it for pleasure. Drinking in general, lowers our vibration, it might we might feel kind of good in the moment. But that doesn’t mean that we’re vibrationally in a high place. Like anything this toxic to us or not good for us, is something that’s going to lower vibration, red meat, lowers our vibration, sugar lowers our vibration, alcohol lowers our vibration, because those are not substances that are good for our bodies that our bodies can easily process and we turn into something useful. Now, you know, I’m not trying to make an argument on red meat, whether it’s red meat is good or bad, believe me I’m not I’m just saying vibrationally meat in general will lower our vibration. And, and so so in having said all of that, whatever it is about your escape pattern that you have right now with the overeating and the drinking. To me, it feels like it is an escape of some sort where you’re using it almost like an avoidance mechanism. Like avoiding either dealing with something or working on something or writing something or creating something or producing something or making something like it feels like there’s this like pattern of thinking which isn’t really a thinking thinking kind of thinking like It’s like meaning like an intentional like yes, I’m going to drink tonight so that I can feel like shit tomorrow and not feel guided to work on this big, beautiful, magical, high energy project that I have to create, like, it’s not that kind of thinking. It’s the subconscious kind of thinking of like, I feel really terrible, or I’m really being called to a drink, and I’m just gonna have it. And then the pattern is subconscious pattern with drinking, if you were a big drinker before it kicks in, where then you start drinking, and you drink more and more, because you don’t even realize you’re drinking it. And I can only say that because I was that drinker, right? Like, I used to know that if I opened a bottle of wine, I would drink the whole thing. And the thing about that is, it wasn’t even conscious. Like, I wasn’t even like, Oh, this is my third glass. Like it was just like, pour, pour, pour, drink, drink, drink. And I didn’t know how to stop it. Because I wasn’t aware that I was doing it or that it was happening. It was something I couldn’t stop, because I wasn’t present with it in the moment to be able to stop it until like, call myself to my attention. So I think you have to ask yourself, like, what is it that you’re trying to birth and create into the world? And then what is it that these two habits that you’re recreating for yourself overeating, and over drinking? How are these habits allowing you to not birth this into the world? Like, how are they contributing to you not doing what you need to do for you? And I think you have to have like a really honest and hard look at yourself on that. Like, what is it that you’re trying to create? What are you trying to experience or feel in your life? And then separately, ask yourself, are these two habits helpful at creating said thing? Or are they have they become your excuse? Why you can’t like, I can’t write today because I feel like shit, because I drank too much last night, or I can’t write today because I feel like crap, because I’m not like I’m writing about, you know, I don’t know, like how to have a healthy body and like, I’m not aligned with that healthy body. So I can’t really write about that healthy body, right. So the thing is, and it’s something I want to call out to and like say also, so I almost feel like your habits with these substances are like overeating, over over drinking, you don’t say you over drink, but just we’re just drinking in general. For you. I feel like it’s almost like a procrastination mechanism for you. And I don’t always say that to people. Like, we don’t all use those escapes as a form of procrastination or like avoiding doing something else. That’s I mean, by procrastination, sometimes they’re just there to cover pain, right to like, get through, get through the day. Like I know, I used drugs when I was younger crystal meth when I was a teenager 14, and cigarettes for most of my life and alcohol for most of my life, and TV for most of my life as escape mechanisms. Because I didn’t have the tools or any way to deal with everything, I felt my gifts of feeling like everybody’s thoughts and pain, I didn’t know how to survive feeling so much pain. And so I had to learn how to escape it. So I learned very early cigarettes at11, crystal meth at14, alcohol when I quit crystal meth at 17-18. When alcohol came in, TV did too at that same time. And then dysfunctional relationships were another solid way that I could guarantee that I could escape, because I would never, like open myself up or I’d get so invested in the dysfunction of the relationship that I couldn’t hear or feel anything else. It was like, my little my little addiction. So for me, I used those mechanisms, as you know, a tool to be able to cope with all the pain I felt, and didn’t know how to safely like, feel and heal, you know, so it was a way to avoid the pain. There are times in my journey, like as I have gone through the process of healing and healing all of those pieces, there have been times where I’m trying to create something really big, like trying to birth a purposeful thing. That’s part of my purpose, like my big reason for being here. And I’ll find that, like, certain things want to get in the way. Like I’ve never had a problem with overeating. But because I don’t have any more of my addictions, like I cleared all of those and healed all of those. It’s like, I’ll find something else like, like, sometimes I’ll start snacking a lot, you know, so it’s like, I’m trying to work on a big project and be like, oh, I need a snack or like, I’ll buy chips for some reason, and I don’t really buy chips very often, or I’ll eat a lot of crackers, and I don’t really eat a lot of crackers, or I’ll start eating a lot of chocolate, you know, like, and I’ll I’ll catch myself though, right? Because I’ll be like, wait a second, what are you trying to avoid Christina? Like, what are you trying to avoid? What are you procrastinating on by having all of these distractions and all these things that you do that when you do it you feel like shit about yourself for doing it? So when you feel like shit about yourself, you’re not in a high vibration so you’re not in a high vibration you’re not even in a vibrational alignment or match to What you’re trying to create, so you can’t come up with the things you want to write about, or the things you want to create because you’re not in the right place to do it. Right. So here’s the thing about procrastination that I want to call out. Because if this pattern is yours, it’s coming back. Because you’re now procrastinating on creating something. It’s more of a procrastination than it is a trying to cover up pain. First, you have to ask yourself, like, why you’re procrastinating. Obviously, if you’re afraid to do what you want to do, then you got to work through that fear and heal that space. That’s pain that just Oh, covering up now with the procrastination, right. But sometimes, and I heard this amazing quote recently, where the man who was speaking it said that, or actually, it was a woman who said that procrastination is sometimes what aligned people do when they’re not aligned. So the other thing you have to ask yourself, Tammy is, whatever if if there is something, in fact that you’re trying to birth into form? Are you aligned with that yet? Like, are you? Is your life in a place? Have you healed enough within you to be able to create that thing at the vibration that you’re supposed to, to be in alignment with what you’re telling other people to do? Right? If you’re not, then you’re procrastination may just be a natural universal kind of mechanism for realizing you’re not there yet. There’s still more for you to heal more for you clearer and more for you to learn more lessons to go through more tests to have, in order to clear more of your energy. It’s kind of like when we’re trying to create and we’re like spiritual beings that are that know that we’re spiritual beings that are like aligned with becoming that best version of ourselves. It’s like we spend all these years like climbing out of the hole of pain, like that’s, that’s the best way I can describe it. It’s like there’s all this damn pain and we’re just like, clawing our way out of pain, like healing, healing, healing, healing, healing, healing, healing, healing, trying to be at a vibrational alignment with like, what we’re supposed to what we’re born to do, like what our purpose is, and doing it from a place of being healed, not from a place of still being in pain. So if you’re the kind of person where you feel like part of your journey is to be a healer, let’s say or to help others to heal from that which you have healed, then perhaps the procrastination, if the procrastination it or that the drinking and the eating are a result of you, intuitively, kind of trying to procrastinate on doing said thing, then recognize that it’s okay to procrastinate, but you don’t need to like sabotage yourself and the things you value about you in order to be okay, not working on set thing. You understand what I’m saying? Like it’s okay to say like, Hey, I’m procrastinating right now, because it doesn’t feel right to work on this. I don’t need to like hurt myself in order to be okay to not work on this right now. It’s okay to like, put this vision of my timeline where I think it should happen on the time that I think my will says it should happen on to the side and let divine will work through me right now, because I’m not ready to go there yet. But I don’t have to keep trying to force myself to go there and shame myself when I can’t, because the shame part is them. And we’re like, Okay, well, now I need to escape that make it a bottle. Now like now I need to escape that let me have a snack, right, like now I need to escape the shame instead of just saying like, look, for whatever reason, reasons that like, I don’t need to understand quite frankly, right now. And that aligned is not time to work on set project yet. So I don’t know if that is what you’re going through. Because you didn’t necessarily give me a whole lot of information in what you wrote in. But I wanted to share that, which is kind of coming through me. And I hope that that is helpful to you, and maybe anybody else who’s watching. I also want to say that have grace with yourself. Like, have grace with yourself, like your email. Although short and sweet sounded like you were really angry with yourself and like really shaming yourself and upset that you can’t figure this shit out. And I just want to say that like, when it is time for you to you will. I know this to be true. If you stay committed to your own personal growth, and you stay committed to releasing the aspects of yourself in your pain that no longer serve you to hold on to, and you do the work, you will outgrow the phase of overeating and over drinking you have to do because it no longer fits with the pictures. And with what you need vibrationally and I’ll explain it a different way. Because some people may call me a couple shit on that. And I don’t blame them. Because very few people have been able to outgrow these addictions. Most of us, most of us try and change our physical world. So we like stopped drinking, I’m not going to drink anymore. But then we don’t do the inner work. And I have learned from my own experience and I’m not saying this is right for everybody. So you’re all gonna have to make your own damn determination on what’s right for you. But I learned by allowing myself to have my addictions in a safe way that weren’t disruptive or harmful or could create harm to others. And I allowed myself to have my addictions and I allowed myself to work myself through them. So for example, alcohol, and when I started to realize that I no longer wanted to be out of control with it. And what I mean by out of control was that feeling like I got to have a glass of wine, and then I had to satisfy it. Like I had to even if I didn’t want to, even if I didn’t want the glass of wine, if I didn’t want to be like shit tomorrow, like I had to, or like, when I would go grocery shopping, like I had to get alcohol I was there, I didn’t know how to leave the store without the pain of leaving the store without a bottle was more than the pain of getting it and feeling like shit, because I couldn’t leave without it. Right? So like, when I got to the point in my spiritual journey, where I had started really learning to love myself and trying to figure out what the hell that was and how to do it and like how to treat myself like I was worthy of being loved. I got to this point where I’m like, okay, like, I know that alcohol isn’t a part of this equation. But I also don’t know how to like, stop it yet. Like, I don’t have the tools to help me deal with the pain in my life and like the pain that’s still waiting to be explored. So I did things naturally that I didn’t even realize I was doing and weaning myself off of it, and just in a way, but here’s how my process went. First I told myself, like I did like a 40 days of like Kundalini Yoga, if you don’t know what that is, look it up. I did like a 40 day Kundalini yoga thing where I like found a video on Amazon. And like, every morning I got a bit for and did this Kundalini yoga for 40 days. And I said to myself, Well, shit, like, if I’m going to do the Kundalini yoga for 40 days to get connected to myself, I should probably not do the things that disconnect me from myself. So I decided during this 40 days, I wouldn’t drink. So I would go without alcohol for the 40 days. And some amazing things happens in my life that I wasn’t expecting during this 40 days, for starters, because I had committed to get up at four o’clock every morning and do this Kundalini yoga. I was also and I also committed that wasn’t gonna watch TV. So those were the two things that I was doing, still, that were dramatically affecting my ability to stay present. And to like, like myself and love myself. So I said, I wasn’t going to do both of those things. So getting up at four in the morning, I was naturally going to sleep earlier at night, because I was more tired. And because I wasn’t watching TV, I wasn’t staying up until 1011 12, watching all my shows, catching up on all of those, like, tuning out escaping to into the TV and all of that. So I was naturally going to bed earlier. And then I was getting up earlier. And then something amazing started happening also like my house started getting cleaner regularly, like I used to have this pattern where I would do laundry. And then like take everything out of the dryer and then lay it flat on like the bed or on a chair, you know, lay it all out flat, but I wouldn’t put it away. And then I would just grab from the stack of stuff. Well, all of a sudden, like I started doing all my laundry and putting it away when it was done. Like I started like cleaning up the house regularly. And like all of a sudden I had this really clean house and I didn’t understand why to be honest. I was like, why is my house always so clean? Like when people come over, I didn’t have to run around and clean things up. Like I was just it was clean. And in reflection, I started to realize because I had all this extra time wasn’t watching TV, I didn’t realize that like my addiction to TV was taking like four or five hours out of my night that I didn’t have time for anything else. Like I didn’t have time because I needed to watch my shows. So it I didn’t have time to fold my clothes and put them away. I didn’t realize like how much of my life was being encapsulated in these moments of my addictions. And then like how I would already be thinking about having a glass of wine before I even left work, you know, so like getting home like on the nights my son wasn’t with me, thinking about it thinking about thinking about to get home, like open up the bottle of wine turn on the TV, and like I’m badged I’m done, like nothing else happens except those things, right. So I started in this 40 days, no TV, no drinking. And in these 40 days, something else really amazing that I wasn’t expecting to happen happened. And for those of you who don’t know about Kundalini Yoga, it’s a form of yoga. And I’ve never been a big yoga fan. But it’s a form of yoga that you do with your eyes closed. And then this particular set of the DVD that I’d bought on Amazon, like you really get off your dairy air, like you sit on your butt most of the time doing these different moves. So I just knew that I felt better. Like I felt more connected to myself. But I didn’t really think that like my physical body was changing or anything like that. But one day I looked in the mirror and like day like 20 something or whatever. I looked in the mirror, which I don’t do often like where I look at my whole body in the mirror. I didn’t do that often. And I had a six pack. I wasn’t expecting to see that. So that opened up a whole nother exploration for me of like, how the hell did that happen? Like, I hadn’t been able to get myself to go to the gym my whole life regularly. I hadn’t at this point. Now I workout like religiously and I can’t like I can’t miss a day because it feels so natural and soothing to do it. But I couldn’t get myself to work out at all. And so now I’m working out every day. Not because I want to change my body, though I was working out every day because I wanted to change my soul. Like, I wanted to connect to myself and stay connected to it to learn how to like, find out who I was how to stay connected to myself. And as I did the inner work of doing that my body naturally followed. It was mind blowing, it was such an aha moment for all of our patterns. And the way that we go about in this life trying to change our physical circumstances, we try and change our physical circumstances by removing the physical. But the the thing I learned, and I set a whole new pathway for me to investigate and learn that I that I began to search out and understand was when we do the inner work, how our bodies how our outside world, our physical world naturally changes in response to the inner changes that we’re doing. So in this 40 day period, that was the first time I went without alcohol. And that was the first time that I learned how to stay connected to myself. And that began my quest of enjoying how that felt to really know what it’s like to feel myself to stay connected to myself. And then after that, 40 days was over, I went into a new drinking pattern, where I decided to become conscious with my drinking, because now I was getting connected to who I was, I was staying with the Kundalini yoga and continuing to do it, I no longer watch as much TV because I realized how much of my life it absorbed and how much freer and healthier and better in my mind, I felt without all the IQ that I was taking in from the IQ that was on the TV ranks was like, you know, you know, cop shows all those things like Forgive me, for those actors, or those who love them or create them, like they’re great. However, what we put into our mind becomes a portion of our reality. And wherever our focus goes, energy flows. And so in those those those shows that are scary, or create triggering responses, for me anyway, they would constantly have me in a fight or flight mode, right. So like, that would change my energy and my vibration. And I started to recognize in my space away that I didn’t want that to keep happening, okay. So just know that like, in that time, I learned how to begin to connect with myself, so then my relationship to alcohol change. So then I would say like, I’m not gonna have more than two drinks in a night. And it’d be really conscious about and hold myself accountable for that. So then my powder began, you’re like, Okay, no more than two drinks in a night, any night didn’t matter, like no more than two drinks in a night. And so then I became very present with it right. And so it wasn’t any more like waking up with a hangover or being wasted. But I was now very present with my alcohol use, and very gentle with myself in it to saying going cold turkey wasn’t for me. But I was going to follow whatever felt right in the process of like transformation, and doing the inner work first and allowing myself to change and feel all that I was going to feel and like slowly adjust to this new way of being into this new level of presence, and learning the tools along the way that would help me to sustain that level of presence without my escapes and my addictions anymore. So then that was it, like six months, and then I did a 90 day no alcohol. And the 90 day with no alcohol was amazing. Because the 40 day I was waiting for the 40 days to be over. Like counting down the days, the 90 day one I noticed that come about day 40 I started to forget about it completely. And I wasn’t like jonesing for day 91. But I was like okay without drinking. So then after that, and then the next thing that I added on after that was still staying with when I started drinking again, after 90 days, I still stayed with no more than two glasses. But then I added another level onto that no more than two glasses. And I said to myself that I would meditate before I had a drink. So if I wanted a drink, I would make myself meditate for 10 minutes and release any energy like the tools that I always teach people release any energy that instrument Hold on 20 More bringing the light of God allow myself to connect in that vibration. And if after I did that, I still wanted a glass of wine, I would allow myself to have it and I would enjoy it because I was enjoying it from a conscious intentional place rather than from a reactive like subconscious escape kind of place. Right? And so then that lasted for about another six months. And I over that last six months I got to the point where I was just didn’t have room for alcohol anymore. Like it was starting to piss me off. You know, like alcohol was starting to be that thing that was just like, taking me away from me. Sad and like I like me I’ve learned how to stay connected to me. I’ve learned how to comfort and soothe myself. I like who I am damn you alcohol for taking me away from me. Because I’ve always been the kind of person one glass could take me away from me. Like one glass to somebody else could just be pure enjoyment but to me, I always lost myself in it. Like I lost part of what I like about me what I had learned to like about me, and even from a single glass. So on 11/11/2017 I had a big book launch party for a book that I launched I drank more than I wanted to I felt like shit the next day as I could have predict predicted I would I felt unworthy of my life. I felt unworthy of the joy I felt the night before I thought I’m worthy of being who I was. I felt like I hated myself and shame myself and unloved and all the stuff that I felt all these years is drinking. And I said to myself then okay, I’m gonna go A year, I’m going to go a year and see if I can go a year without drinking like alcohol. Like I don’t have room for the love that I have for myself. And the way alcohol makes me feel like alcohol makes me feel I crap. Not just physically but just emotionally, mentally, spiritually, like I wanted to fly. And now, instead of it being the mechanism that kept me safe, insane, it was now the mechanism that was taking my safety away from me, because I had learned how to comfort and soothe myself, I’d learned how to deal with the pain that I felt inside, I learned that I was okay to feel pain, and survive. I learned all that right. So I could let the mechanism go, like it didn’t serve me anymore. And I said, I would do it for a year. And if I wanted to drink after a year, I would drink. It’s been four and a half years, I have not wanted a single glass of alcohol at all. And I can be around it doesn’t bother me to be around. It doesn’t bother me to have for someone else to drink in front of me. Like I don’t even like it to me. It’s like a toxin that I like No, like I could not get myself to drink if I wanted to. Because it is so toxic to me. And when I say toxic to me, I mean, it takes me away from me. And it violates what I like about me now. It does that now for me. And so I’m telling you all of this, Tammy and to whoever else is watching this video, because I allowed myself to be gentle. As I learned how to navigate the world without my escapes, I allowed myself the fluidity of doing it as it felt right. And as it felt good. And as it felt natural. Now, I was not in a position where I was going to die from my alcoholism. I didn’t ever drive and drink ever, I didn’t get wasted when my son was in my custody, right. So there wasn’t the need of other factors and other people’s lives that were negatively impacted. in a physical sense, like emotionally, I’m sure there in those years, I wasn’t the mom that I could have been in those times that I really wanted to drink rather than to play Go Fish again. And I have forgiven myself for all of those times, by the way, I forgive myself because you know, we only do the best that we can do. Right and until we know more than we can do more. And so because I was gentle with myself and allowed myself the grace to do the inner work that was being asked of me to learn how to comfort and soothe myself to learn how to stand in the level of light that I carry. And to not feel insecure or small or afraid by that light. Because I allowed myself to just naturally progress into the best version of myself, they became a point where the other stuff just didn’t fit anymore. And it didn’t need to be something I avoided, I don’t avoid alcohol, I don’t avoid it at all. I just don’t want it, I don’t choose it. It’s not a part of who I am or what I want to do or what I need in my life anymore. So as I suspect for you, that once you get into touch with why you are escaping, or the role that alcohol and overeating are playing in your life right now. Whether it’s helping you to avoid something that’s painful, or all you need to do is realize that it’s okay to procrastinate on whatever it is you’re trying to birth into creation. And you don’t need to sabotage yourself to give yourself permission to not work on what you feel like you should be working on. Because it’s just not time to that I should be is not divine. Well, that’s your well, like the timeline that we create. It’s our Well, it’s not God’s will, like divine timing is when you work on it. And it all flows naturally with ease and grace. That’s how you know you’re in the flow of the divine timing. When you can’t think of what to say when it’s hard to do. And it’s hard to get yourself to do it’s hard to focus on it like that’s all your will trying to force its way into the timeline that you think you should be living in. So I just want to give you that permission to be graceful with yourself. Not that I need to give you permission to be graceful with yourself. But I think that we are very hard on ourselves sometimes. And so I want you to know that. It’s okay to be graceful with yourself. You know it’s okay. And if you want to change the pattern of over eating and no longer drinking, then one way you might consider doing it is to implement some of the things that I did and then hold yourself accountable to it. You know, start doing some Kundalini Yoga by yourself in the morning like literally I bought one of those like little like $30 Old School DVDs. players, you know, like those little travel ones, like the pop up little compact disc player thing looks like you know, the little player that’s like this bag, at the little video screen that’s like this big like $30 on Amazon, and I would pop it up. So it because I traveled a lot for work at the time, and I was like, I’m doing this and nothing’s gonna stop me. And so I needed to be able to travel with it and go into it in a hotel room. And like I was at a conference where everyone is drinking, it was the best conference of the year to drink at, um, lots of partying and dancing and all of that, and like, I stuck to it, like I’m not drinking during these 40 days, and I’m going to bed early. So I can get up at 4am and do my Kundalini Yoga, because you got to hold yourself accountable to it. Now, if you’re not able to hold yourself accountable to it, it just might mean that it’s not time yet for you to let go of these things, or for you to progress into your next stage. And that’s okay, too. You know, like, you’re where you’re meant to be always, even when it doesn’t feel like it. And so long as you’re not hurting yourself or others, then the journey that you’re on, and the timeline that you’re on is the one that’s meant for you, and whatever your soul is here to accomplish, or learn or achieve in this lifetime. And I want to be really careful because I don’t want that to be read as a message to, you know, destroy yourself. It’s like, that’s not that’s not what I’m saying at all. And I think that you know that and anybody watching this, I think you know that the message is to be gentle with yourself. And when we are gentle with ourselves, then we’re, it’s easier to transform the aspects of ourselves that don’t serve us. It’s the self shame and the self judgment and the self hate. That keeps us stuck in the old damn patterns that we so hate. So it’s so ironic about it. And so when we just say like, look like going going through a phase, and I don’t know how to get through it, I remember when I was in my hard alcohol phase, I remember saying to one of my mentors, like, I am afraid that I’ll never be able to go to the store and not leave without alcohol. And she very simply and very gently and very patiently and very kindly said to me, one day, you’ll be able to go without buying alcohol. And I said, Okay, well, I don’t know that I believe that right now. But I’m gonna trust that that’s true. Because I know that I’m not destined to live my entire life attached to a bottle. I know that that’s not the path that I’m here to accomplish or do. And I know that I’m not here to stay in limiting beliefs and patterns for the rest of my life. But for whatever reason, I need them right now. And so I will be gentle with myself as I transitioned out of them, seeing and just that permission to be okay, where I was, made me feel like I could get out of that predicament. I could see the light, even though I didn’t necessarily believe that I would be able to achieve it or accomplish it. On my own. I also knew that I wasn’t supposed to stay that way forever. And interestingly, if I even reflect back to when I quit crystal meth when I was 17 years old, was kind of this same pattern of just this, like natural progression, the people in my life, let me stay an addict as long as I needed to, which was really beautiful in a lot of ways. But that’s a video for another day that had a whole bunch of other layers of trauma and trauma associated with it. I remember the day that I became clean. And I didn’t even know that that was the day that I was going to be cleaning and never use again. And what I didn’t realize is in the days leading up to it, I had started doing less and less and less, because I wanted my bag to last longer and longer and longer. And I didn’t know that it was like almost like my higher self for God’s way of weaning me off the drug. So by the time I got to the end of my bag, and it was gone, I was no longer in a place of craving it. Because I had like naturally, just in an effort to keep my high going for longer. I had naturally weaned myself off of it. And then I immediately started back into high school. And as soon as I started back into high school, I started at a continuation school. And the principal there saw the light in me and he made me a counselor on day one. He’s like, I need you to counsel other kids who are going through what you have gone through or are trying to handle their life that they live in the home life that they have. And he must have known that I was the kind of person that would never tell somebody to do something that I wasn’t willing to do myself. And that alone kept me clean. Like the ability to hold myself accountable for the advice I gave to these other kids who are struggling through similar struggles and struggling toward the light and trying to survive each day. Forget thrived just trying to survive. And so that was the process that that went through, although there was a much longer progression and a deeper addiction that had bigger implications how why’s in from a life and death perspective, so I won’t go into that, because it’s not as applicable. But anyway, I went in there, I hope that this video was helpful to you, Tammy, I know that I like I didn’t think I had five minutes me to share with you. But you know, 35 minutes later, I will end this video here. Thank you so much for writing in and for sharing. Thank you for being vulnerable with me and, and allowing yourself to share that aspect of yourself with me and with anybody who reads this or watches this video. So many of us struggle with addictions and escapes. So many of us shame ourselves for being there. And so I’m very grateful to have had the opportunity to share with you the path that I took, that helped me to be able to release my connection to the addictions, so that I could more deeply and completely continue on my journey. Not just loving myself, but treating myself like I was worthy of being loved. Like that’s what letting go of our addictions is it’s that component of it. So I wish you the well I wish you well and I wish you the very best as you continue on your journey. I’m if this has inspired something in you that you want to write back, please do. I’d love to hear from you. Again. If this video has inspired somebody else about their own journey or something they want to write in or something you have going on in your life, feel free to go to personalgrowthforall.com and tell me all about it. And I will record you a video too. So I love you. I thank you so much for your faith and your trust in me and for your curiosity to learn about, you know the journey and the struggles that we all have in different ways we’ve all learned how to get through them. So with that, I hope it’s helpful. Take care and love you bye