Dear Christina,

Truly, if to be honest, I feel as though I am heartbroken over a previous marriage. I am stuck also in grief after also losing my mom at the same time as divorce. Now feeling very lonely though in a relationship and question a lot, do I matter. Don’t understand why this loneliness is kicking in. Sorry, I’m just all over the place with my emotions and trying to get back to a place of confidence.

-Edward

Dear Edward,

Thank you for writing in and sharing with me. I know what it’s like to walk a day in your shoes and I hope the video I created for you (below) will be helpful to you.

What most people don’t realize is that there are really important reasons we feel heartbreak, and often those reasons have very little to do with the other person. Heartbreak is usually a symptom of the places within a person where they are being invited to grow, heal, and evolve. But, most people stay stuck in the heartbreak or worse, stuck in the blame-game — blaming the other person for all they feel the person did to create or contribute to their pain. And what I always tell people is that nothing happens to them and everything happens for them. So when relationships end, they’re supposed to. There are lessons that need to be learned, areas where we’re ready to grow, other experiences we’re ready to have that we may not be able to have with that person still in our lives.

And the really cool thing is that just because the person is no longer in your life doesn’t mean that the growth has to end. In the video I recorded for you, I share in more detail how and why this is. I also talk about the bond and why you still long for your partner from your prior marriage. And I share with you techniques and strategies to bring balance to the connection — so that the longing for them can feel less intense, less painful, more productive.

Now, back to the heartbreak you describe. As a society, we’ve been programmed to escape our pain or to pretend it doesn’t exist. We are conditioned to believe that pain is… well, painful and should be avoided at all costs. But I’ve learned that the incident that created the wound in us does not cause the overwhelming majority of the pain in our lives. The overwhelming majority of our pain is caused by all the defenses we create around our wounds and we create defenses because we never want to feel the original painful experience/feeling again. So in the video I also give you a tool that I not only teach to others but also use myself to help me feel the pain that comes up in a way that’s nurturing, self-soothing, healing, and transformative — so that you won’t have to keep creating misery for yourself over and over and over again. The tool is one that may seem wonky or weird at first glance, but that’s only because most people have never heard of healthy tools that can help them comfort and soothe themselves naturally. As a result, what most people have learned to do is to avoid, numb out, or escape from their pain through unhealthy “coping mechanisms” like alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, TV, etc. Before I began using this self-healing technique, I used to escape my pain, too. But I learned that escaping our pain only provides a temporary relief. The pain is still there and will forever continue to show up in our lives until we allow ourselves to heal it by feeling it.

In the video, I also talk a lot about the energy science behind how and why we long for people who are no longer a part of our lives and how to attach to the pain that comes with this longing in a way that is helpful to us and inspires our growth and our healing. I give you some tools for balancing out the energies within you whenever you feel empty or overwhelmed with thoughts of other people, places, or things. And I talk with you a bit about why you may be feeling lonely in your current relationship and some strategies for changing it.

Regardless of what you take away from this video, I pray you know that all these heavy feelings and all this pain can be used to propel you forward on your journey of finding happiness within and all around you. The pain doesn’t need to keep stopping you from enjoying everything about yourself and your life.

I send you wishes for everything amazing for you. Thank you for trusting me and thank you for being you.

If I can be of more help to you, please reach out again.

With love, gratitude, grit, and grace,