Did you know that almost every emotional reaction you have is a result of some past experience, some past painful moment, that is being expressed in the present? And that it’s possible to clear the old pain so that you can live more happily in the present moment?
Sounds bizarre, I know. But, perhaps another one of my deep-share stories will help me explain. See below.
I did something today that lit up a bunch of pain pictures for me and I wanted to share with you not only the pain (and what got lit up) but also how I investigated if the pain was “real”, meaning something that was actually happening to me — or if it was old pain that was coming up to be investigated, nurtured, healed, and cleared once and for all.
Here’s what happened:
Earlier today I was reading through portions of my book When Soulmates Unite—Learning to Love Ourselves from the People Who Can Hurt Us the Most looking for this one part I thought I had written years ago. As I searched for the part I was looking for, I began reading other parts. Now, I should mention that I have not been able to bring myself to read my book from front to back after it was published, quite simply because I was deeply afraid to. I also haven’t tried to promote it or market it.
Today, as I read, searching for the one part, I observed my body response, which included a rapid heart rate, fear rising, trembling legs and hands, etc. As the curious observer of myself (and others!) that I’ve become, I asked myself why I was so scared to read my own words, words that I wrote from the fullness of my heart back in 2016. I knew the fear I was feeling was not “rational”, it was not based in the present moment. It was just me, all by myself. There was no reason to be feeling so much fear, no reason to be so afraid. And then it hit me. It was the same fear I’ve felt all my life about using my voice, speaking my truth, sharing myself with others. It was a fear that I was not good enough. A fear that I may have caused someone else harm. A fear that I wouldn’t like the woman I was and the words that I wrote. A fear that I’d be mortified and horrified by what I wrote, horrified by my Self. It was a fear that I’d written something that I’d now regret. Done something I’d be ashamed of. Said something I’d wish I hadn’t. Shared something that would make me feel alone, afraid, unloved. Again. Ugh.
It was all my OLD fears coming up again—old fears I’ve carried, harbored, reacted to and acted upon for most of my life. But, this time, I knew they were not coming up to relived again. They were coming up to be CLEARED. Cleared so that I could go on with my life and put myself and my work out into the world again, cleared so that I could be free to do what I love and fulfill my destiny. You see, the woman I am now knew that I didn’t need these same fears to hold me back any longer. I knew I was simply being shown the energy that was still being held in my cellular memory, held in my energy field, held in my body because I was safe to explore a new layer of it, investigate its source, and release what no longer served me to hold onto.
When most people feel fear or pain of any kind, they react to the fear as though something is happening in the present moment that needs to stop, but what I’ve learned from my journey is that 99.9% of the time, the fear I feel is not even based in the present moment. It’s old pain, old wounds that are being lit up in the present moment to help me evaluate an old pain with new wisdom, new information, so that I can heal it, clear it, and never have to feel that way again about anything.
As I sat there today and took myself through my self-healing process (that I show you how to do in the video below), I became an observer of my fear, rather than a participant in it and I felt compassion and grace for myself and all that I’ve been through in my life, all that I’ve overcome. And I began to feel proud, grateful actually. I was so lost and so alone and so afraid nearly all of my life and my pain showed through in this book that I wrote. My pain showed through in neon flashing lights. And the other thing that showed through for me today as I glanced through the book was my growth. With the benefit of hindsight, today I could also see all of my growth over these last five years since I wrote the book. Every drop. And what a lot it is. I have grown, healed, and changed so much, it’s actually pretty mind-blowing, as I don’t even feel like the same person who wrote that book. In truth, I’ve changed so much of my energetic, emotional, mental, and physical make-up that I could argue I’m not the same person who wrote that book. I’m so different from her.
Back then I had thought I had arrived at the “promised land” but as you will find out, as you get to know me and read/watch my stuff, I was nowhere close. The five years of living that followed the completion of my book were the hardest five years of my life yet. Say what?! I know. 🙁 I had no idea when I finished the book, that the even harder hard stuff would soon follow.
But, alas, it did. And I’m so thankful. I would be nothing like the woman I am today, doing what I’m doing, without the last five years of growth. You see, pain and love co-exist to heal us and wherever we hurt the most, we also have the greatest opportunity to heal and grow the most. Sometimes we must lose what we have in order to gain what we want. And the process of shedding our leaves can sometimes be painful, fear-filled, and hard. But, on the other side of the shedding, we make room for new growth; we make room for the life we’ve always wanted to live.
Now, I’m still not sure if I’ll ever read the entire book from front to back. Truth is, I may even pull it from distribution. I just don’t know yet. And I won’t know until I do the work to heal. Because I have learned that any actions we take before we have healed the wound are reactions to the pain, likely based in fears and projections, and as such we may do things we regret. There’s meaning in my resistance to the book and meaning in my hesitations. I just need to figure out what they are and why and then I can trust myself and my decisions related to the book again. From what I read, I could tell that what I shared was authentic. It was personal; it was real for me then. And, wherever I feel some embarrassment, regret, or shame, is just another place that I’m being invited to go deeper within myself to learn why. If there are corrections I need to make, changes that are required based on my new “intelligence”, my new growth, my new ways of being, I will make those changes without hesitation. This I know for sure.
I can now honestly say that what I’ve learned about myself and about life and about love since writing this book is more amazing that words can even comprehend. The essence of it all is that I’ve learned how to stay in joy, how to stay in peace, how to stay in love, and how to live a harmonious, joyful, peaceful, loving life — doing what I love. I could never have said that back then. And I’ve learned how to do it all without a single addiction and without a single escape. I’ve learned how to truly love myself and how to truly feel worthy of being loved. And it feels better than I could have ever imagined. I just had no earthly clue. But, now I do and so now I can share what I’ve learned with you.
If you’re curious about some strategies you can deploy to help you begin to separate out your old pain pictures from the responses you actually want to have in the present moment — write to me here. The truth is, all of our powerful reactions and emotions are just energies and they are likely energies that were created, and found a home in you, a long time ago. The good news is that there’s a very clear process that helps us to release all the old energy so that our past memories no longer impact our present moments and we no longer need to carry all those old, outdated fear-based programmed responses going forward.
And, btw, there’s something else that’s really important that I wanted to share: it’s not the absence of pain or fear that shows how much we’ve grown. It’s how we work through it when it comes. Do we project it onto someone else? Do we own it as our own? Do we drink it away? Smoke it away? Pretend it doesn’t exist? Back down to it? Numb it out? Escape it? Or do we stare it in the face (with compassion, curiosity, grit, and grace), own it as our own and put into actions the tools and strategies that are available to us now so that we can heal the places within us that ARE READY TO HEAL, and grow in the areas that we are being invited to grow. There is no right or wrong answer. Just answers and healing and meaning — each waiting to be revealed.
If you’re struggling to find the truth of your feelings, here’s a video I created where I talk about a process I take myself through when I am having big feels. This tool is especially helpful to me when I am feeling really afraid. It’s a self-love and self-nurturing technique that helps me bring my fears into the present moment, and own them as my own, so that I can feel safe enough, nurtured enough, and secure enough to grow and heal.
As always, I hope this info is helpful for you. Thank you for letting me share. I’ve learned that my teachings mean nothing without the stories that humanize them. And I’ve learned that as we heal ourselves, we heal one another.
If you’ve got some big feelings you’re working through and could use some insight, tools or love, feel free to write me here and I’ll record you a personalized video response. You’ve got this and I’ve got you. #webelongtoeachother #personalgrowthforall #itstime
With loving kindness,
P.S. I wanted to give you a quick update. After I completed my healing work on myself, I decided to unpublish the book. What I realized when I really turned inward toward myself is that the book is written from a place of pain and I am now at a place of peace and love. I will be editing the book and putting it back out there when the time is right. 🙂