This is going to be hard to convey in one entry. I’m 33 and recently moved out of living with ex-fiancé. I have done weekly therapy for 9 months and tried really hard to learn healthy/respectful/productive ways to argue, and no progress was made. We were together for 4 years. I’d been trying to get pregnant for the last 9 months without any success, which now I know how that wears on you sometimes.
I’ve moved in with roommates who are complete strangers in a strange town. I’ve never had roommates before. My job in healthcare admin support sucks. After 6 years, I no longer care about patients. I’ve mostly been a punching bag to entitled people and bad supervisors for little money.
I have ADHD (perhaps other learning difficulties) and have not been able to finish a degree despite many attempts where I truly did my best.
I just feel empty and in a strange non directional place. I feel I’ve worked so hard toward having a secure family of my own, but it’s fallen apart. Having roommates can be depressing and my friends are all in secure relationships and families. I’m angry because I’ve done all the work to deserve this. I’ve faced truths that are hard to swallow and done therapy to be the future mother I want to be. I’ve been working on this for years. Every decision based on the future mother/individual I want to be, and the someday family I would like to have one day.
My friends don’t really relate; it seems like I’m on a different plane that reminds them of college, which is lonely. I feel I’ve made every decision to the best of my soul’s ability, despite the hard things to address and face. I feel angry that I deserve the things I’ve worked toward and they’re shattered. I feel others have somehow accidentally fallen into secure relationships and children and wonderful families by accident or without even wanting them.
A casual friend who knows my fertility struggle texted me a positive pregnancy test when she is barely in a new relationship and has never wanted children. This caused me significant anger and I cried for hours because I was upset.
I know I sound so ungrateful and negative, but this is how I feel. It does not mean I don’t know there are many things to be grateful for.
I guess that’s the best I could include everything in a large nutshell. I’m lost, directionless, and angry. I feel I deserve so much more.
You do deserve so much more. You deserve to be happy, fulfilled, loved, joyful, and living with peace and harmony in your life. We all deserve this. Sometimes there is pain in us that prevents us from being able to experience this level of joy and bliss. But the pain doesn’t have to stay and continue to lead the way. It can be healed and released and no longer impact your energy, your feelings, your emotions, and your experiences.
At the basis of all good in our lives is love. At the basis of all “bad” in our lives is pain. Pain can show up as our negative thoughts, our negative experiences, the way we treat ourselves, the way we treat others, the way we allow others to treat us, etc. I’ve learned that pain comes from some form of an emotional wound that is within us — usually caused by some prior experience. I’ve also learned that the ways pain shows up are largely unconscious… meaning we’ve been so programmed by the pain for so long that we don’t even recognize that we’re in pain because the patterns we’ve created to hide/defend/protect against ever feeling the pain again are so dominant and so naturally engrained in us.
Chances are good that much of the discomfort you’re experiencing in your life is because of the old wounds from the past that are still showing up and affecting your present moment. Negativity in all forms is either the result of pain, the cause of pain, or a misunderstanding of pain.
In the free coaching video I recorded for you below, I talk a lot about the mindset that you’re currently in and I give tangible ways to shift your mindset, as well as solid reasons why you would want to. The truth is, if you want different experiences in your life, you must first think your way to them. And you must decide that you are going to have them. By deciding you’re going to have them, you must then hold yourself accountable for removing all doubt and eliminating all thoughts that are the opposite of them. For example, if you want a happy and loving family of your own, you must remove thoughts patterns that look and sound like, Why does everyone else have a happy family and not me? We can’t get what we want if we’re stuck in a non-receiving place. If all you do is focus on what you don’t have or what you don’t like about what you have, then all you’ll experience is everything you don’t want. As simple as it sounds, on paper, I also know firsthand that changing this pattern of negativity can be challenging at first and it may be a bit of a process. But, I also know firsthand that making the change will be SO worth it (and so worth every bit of effort you put into it). I give you some tips for changing the pattern in the video.
So much of the misery that people experience every day is a result of their thoughts and thought patterns. When we change our thoughts, we change our lives. In the video, I also give you a tool that I use regularly to clear my energy as well. Our energy can affect our thoughts and thought patterns, and our thoughts and thought patterns can affect our energy. It’s best that we keep our energy clear so that we have the best chance of keeping our thoughts in a better place as well.
Now, chances are good that everything in your life is unfolding in exactly the way it’s supposed to — even if it doesn’t feel like it and even if you don’t like how it’s unfolding, or the process/timing of the unfolding. I always say that everything happens just as it should and when it should — even when it doesn’t feel like it. And I know it’s hard on you right now, but I’m really proud of you for sharing your thoughts and your feelings. That’s such an important first step to changing them.
I also believe that when we are ready for different experiences (meaning we’ve done the inner work necessary to receive these new experiences, such as releasing the subconscious pain and blocks to receiving) then the tools we need in order to move into receiving mode will appear. It is my hope and belief that much of the tools and mindset strategies I’ve given to you in the video will be like stepping stones for you, moving you forward on your right pathway, in the right timing, toward your wildest dreams coming true.
I believe you have the potential to be everything you desire to be and have everything you want to have. I also know the power of your mind to create anything and everything you think of. So please guard your thoughts, just as you would guard a newborn baby. Guard your thoughts as they are precious, precious cargo, and your thoughts carry with them the power to create your reality. Everything you think, you receive. So only think of what you want to have. Do not think at all of what you don’t want to have. Every time a negative thought comes to mind, say hello to it and send it on its way. For example, let’s say a thought comes in that says “I hate my life”. Say hello to this thought and then say something simple like this: I reject this thought. I don’t think this way anymore. I’m right where I’m supposed to be in life. I accept this, I am grateful for this, and I am excited about what’s to come. Even if it’s hard to say at first, say it anyway. If saying it brings up pain because it lights up everything you don’t have that you want to have, be gentle with yourself and tender with yourself and allow yourself to grieve for the loss you feel inside; feeling your feelings is healthy, and it’s different from getting stuck in negativity to avoid feeling. (Here’s a post I wrote that may help with how to nurture yourself through big and/or painful feelings; the video embedded in the post may be really helpful to you.) The more you reject the negative and nurture your tenderness inside, the more room there is for the positive.
All successful people have good control of their mental attention whether they are consciously aware of it. They think what they want, and they want what they think.Raymond Charles Barker
Truth is: Things, situations, and events in life do not happen. They are caused, and our thoughts are a field of causation. Shift your thoughts, heal your subconscious pain, and you will shift your experiences. There is no doubting this. (Psst. This entire website is dedicated to healing the subconscious. Read as many articles on this site as you can, even if they don’t seem relevant to you; every post I write carries a nugget (or two) of wisdom intended to heal the subconscious pain we feel inside; those who are ready to heal are able to find the nuggets of wisdom and use them.)
Below is the video I recorded for you. Should you have any more thoughts, wonderings, questions, or feelings that come up, please reach back out. As a coach, I feel my job is to give you tangible tools you can use to shift your experiences and/or the way you feel living through your experiences. I believe in the teachings I teach — these teachings have healed me, my life, and countless others — and it is my sincere hope that you receive the information you need to, from me or from whoever you’re destined to.
I’m proud of you for reaching out and sharing your pain with me/us. And I’m grateful to you and for you. Thank you. So many people get stuck in the trap of negativity and negative thoughts and it’s a hard trap to get out of when you’re spinning in it — and especially when life has patterned itself after it. Think only of what you want and allow yourself to feel the pain associated with the difference between what you want and what you’re experiencing. By feeling the pain, you will heal the wound and by healing the wound, you will be open to receiving and setting your wildest dreams free to manifest in to your physical reality.
I believe in this for you. I believe in your personal power to have everything you think of. I believe in you. If you need more support, please write back in.
You go, girl!
With love, gratitude, grit, and grace,